I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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