Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
