Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
