Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
