This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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