I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
