Someone shit on the floor
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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