Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
