Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
