I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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