I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
