What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
