I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
