U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
