I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
