return my video game
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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