my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
