we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize