i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
