i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
