so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize