so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
