Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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