i dedicated my morning wood to you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
