apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
