the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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