i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Randomize
