I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
