I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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