He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
