I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
