I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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