All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Even my vagina gasped.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
