I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
