Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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