hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize