I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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