I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
