were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
