Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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