Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
