If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
