Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
