She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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