Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just gargled with NyQuil
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
