Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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