Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
