I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
