It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize