Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You dont lie about slip and slides
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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