It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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