What did we do last night that was yellow?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
