my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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