I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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