Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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