My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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