the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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