also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
