There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
