it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
