for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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