I think i peed on brittanys purse
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
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