Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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