she was so not down for the gang bang
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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