Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
