He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
