The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
